She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
