He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
