i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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