I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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