there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
