i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
