And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Slut skills are useful in every country.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
