arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
