My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
