we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
