update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
