Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
