If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Randomize
