8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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