I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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