I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
