just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
