You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
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