My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
