Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
