So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
