Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
