We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
