Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
