I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
