Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
