im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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