Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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