I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
