bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
