Got a toothbrush?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Randomize
