I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Did I show you my penis last night?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
