1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
