I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
