Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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