I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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