Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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