We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
