Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
