I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
