phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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