wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
