trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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