dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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