If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
