My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
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