i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
