Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
