Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
