i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
