I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
